the love fern

I do not collect house plants.  whenever someone gives me a plant, i accept it graciously, and when we're alone, give the plant a long, sad look, and say, "I am so sorry."  Because i know that despite my best efforts, that plant will end up a dead, dried husk in my garbage can.  Someone once gave me a cactus, and we looked at each other with some hope and the thought that ANYone can keep a cactus alive!  I put it in a sunny window and took good care of it and hardly ever watered it, right up until the day it ended up bleached down one side and gooey in the middle in my garbage can.

A year ago, I started a new job, and to welcome me, my new boss gave me a beautiful fern.  CRAP! i thought-a LOVE fern!  from my new boss!  a boss love fern!  Well, i would like to pour blessings on the head of the black thumb who invented the self watering pot, because thanks to that invention, i have kept that love fern alive for the last year.  Unfortunately, the dumb thing won't stop growing and has become this droopy, bleached, rootbound mess.  It got so bad that my boss started giving it weird looks everytime she came in to my cube.  So the other day, I recruited the lady across the hall to help me repot the love fern.  I cleared my desk and spread out some paper and watched while she elbowed me aside and took over the process.  I figured she needed the props, so I just let her go.  I thanked her profusely and said, "you'll be the plant's..." stepped nimbly over grandmother and settled on "auntie."

Well, I overdid the praise, because now she's in my office three times a day, watering or trimming or offering advice.  I heard that she and the lady next door were in here while i was at lunch yesterday trying to lift it up onto a higher shelf!  When did I lose custody of this plant?  and of my cubicle?  If i move it to a more remote location, would she just start moving furniture to get to it?  But if she doesn't water it, that plant is doomed.  I couldn't find a larger self watering pot and without her help, it will end up like all the others.  just a notch in the belt of my bad plant karma.  However, i have killed before.  It's a small price to pay for the return of my privacy.